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SCALING MOUNT EVEREST, or, How To Be An Artist and A Healthy Person Too by Vinnie Pompo

So, a few days ago, I held the first bout of auditions for the short film I'm working on this semester. This has proved, time and again, to be far more challenging and time-consuming than I ever predicted it to be. I remember from auditioning for Life After Film School just how intimidating it can be as the person coming in to be judged by three relative strangers. What I never used to realize is how intimidating it is to be the director who must be totally prepared and in control as he meets ten or forty actors in the course of a few hours, all of whom expect him to be some sort of authority figure (instead of a junior in college using LAcasting.com for the first time). Ironically, I actually have to memorize lines for my own audition: "Nice to meet you," "have a seat," "do it again, but this time, you didn't sleep at all last night and you're really angry about it." I've actually forgotten my lines in my own auditions. I'll watch the actor walk out of the room and then turn to my producer; "did I do alright?" Self-confidence is one of those issues that manage to affect every aspect of your film. All I need is for one of my roommates to listen to my new idea and only react with a nod and a smile instead of an expression of ecstasy, and suddenly I'm staring at the wall above my couch for three hours wondering if I should still be a filmmaker. What starts as a few minutes spent revising a line of dialog turns into a night spent questioning my career choice.
 
    This isn't healthy behavior. It leads down bad roads. I've been a total wreck for absolutely no reason at all. I'll think about all the things I haven't done yet, and then, instead of doing one or two of those things, I'll get into a bad mood and pace around my house. There is no blockade larger or more effective than one's own mind. Of course, when you're doing professional work on a deadline, it doesn't matter if your mind is Mt. Everest. On LAFS, I would sometimes get a call one day and be told I needed questions prepared by the next day for an interview a week later. In situations like that, you learn to cope with creative self-doubt. If only I had that kind of motivation on my couch at 2 in the morning, writing the same paragraph I was writing at midnight. When it's just you and the keyboard and no one else, it becomes that much harder to ward off insecurities.

    It's heartening to remember all the stories about childhood idols and cinematic masters who once experienced the exact same torments. I can't actually remember any of them now (too busy being tormented), but the point is that all those stories end the same way; with a great success after a long time spent failing. I remind myself of this every time I meet another person who knows more about film stocks and aspect ratios than I do (consequently, I do this frequently). Sometimes I consider the old dream of leaving the country and travelling the world for a couple years, putting film on the backburner while I learn what it means to be human or something like that. Somehow, though, that feels like a cop out to me. I will travel the world one day, but indulging now would be the same as pacing around the house instead of sitting down and writing my script - just one more excuse to avoid the rending pain of becoming an artist. I think I need to do that first.
 
    Today my priority is preparing material for my actors' callback auditions. My script is too short for there to be a good page and a half of consistent dialog for the auditioners to perform, so I'm sitting here trying to make something up. To create, which is code for "to spend three hours doing something that should take no more than twenty minutes." I guess the key is just to stifle those bouts of insecurity and remember that I'm twenty-one years old. I'm not even old enough to rent a car; I still have plenty of time to make mistakes and become a better filmmaker. So maybe I'll sit here and start to worry that the actors coming in won't take me seriously because they're three times my age, and that they'll laugh at my material instead of memorize it, but then I'll move on and I'll write something, and I'll test it out on Friday and if it doesn't work, I'll be a little more prepared for the next time. If I do want to become an artist (and my living habits and attention span have confirmed that I do), I have to be okay with the stress and uncertainty that comes along with it. And I do think I'm getting there. At least enough so to be comfortable writing a blog about it. It's actually pretty therapeutic, you should try it some time.