Fox Movie Channel

Just Don't Make Out with the Reptile Guy

If you invited me to a party and promised lots of drinking, cavorting, hooking up AND told me I got to dress up like a pirate, I would so be there. If I learned, however, that this was a frat party, and that the jerkface best friend of my lame-o boyfriend would be there, I would begin to think twice. I mean, if I really wanted to, I could dress up like a pirate and get drunk at home, you know? If I then learned further details about how the party was going to be held on a train in the middle of nowhere and feature a magic show by David Copperfield, I would not go. I really wouldn't, because I am not a moron. And that seems to be the difference between me and all the bozos in Terror Train.

Ostensibly this movie is about a crazed, bloodthirsty serial killer who's taking out his rage on all the drunky horny college kids trapped on the titular Terror Train (which, by the way, was the directorial debut of Roger Spottiswoode). There's also some stuff about magic. But you'll notice that I've barely talked about all the murdering. That's because I can't get past the fact that if all these kids weren't so profoundly stupid, they wouldn't have all died (or, in some cases, almost died). So here are some of my suggestions to avoid getting murdered by choosing instead to not be stupid:

1. Don't be an asshole. I am talking about you in particular, Hart Bochner, but this applies generally as well. Your intentionally cruel behavior might trigger someone else's murderous tendencies, and then when you get slashed, you pretty much earned it. It's just as easy not to be an asshole. And nicer. Try it.

2. Don't try to have sex with the guy in the reptile suit. Just don't do it. I mean, girls and boys, maybe we can all agree to just make this a general rule for life. No attempted seduction of guys in reptile suits. Done.

3. Are you prepared to be subjected to flashing lights and flying card magic performed to disco music? Are you? No? Then don't get on a train with David Copperfield. In fact, perhaps we've just stumbled upon another smart rule for life.

4. If you're going to a costume party and your boyfriend dresses up like a weird bird, he might be a loser. You might be able to do better. Maybe you should think twice about going to parties with this guy. But, please note, let me again emphasize that opting for a substitute who wears a reptile suit is not a good alternative.

5. If some psycho keeps repeatedly coming after you to attempt to murder you, maybe you should considering sticking with a buddy. I'm talking to you, Jamie Lee Curtis. Stop separating from the group or listening to people who advise you to do so. If you had some pals, this would improve your chances in a fight, and maybe you'd have a better likelihood of keeping your pirate shirt on. Or, at the least, you could perhaps throw your buddy into the path of the knife wielding psycho, and preserve your own life in that way. Either way, better to have a friend around.

If you think any of these rules are too hard to follow, you might be stupid, in which case maybe you deserve to get on that train after all. For the rest of you, perhaps consider what I find myself considering, which is the allure of that other option. You can always choose to dress up like a pirate and drink at home alone.